THE SINGLE LIFE

by Sheila Jacobs

Picture the scene. Two Christian friends one married and one single, leaving work together.

'You poor thing,' says the married Christian, 'having to go back to that lonely house! It's not good for you to be alone.'

'I'm not alone. I've got the dog.'

'Yes, but marriage is God's will. Go forth and multiply and all that.'

'But I think God's calling me to be single.'

Married person frowns. 'Perhaps you need ministry!'

There are two big mistakes we can make regarding those who are not married. First, we err by presuming everyone should be married, and if they're not, they're either being selfishly disobedient to God, or there's something wrong with them. The other big mistake is to presume all singles are lonely - although undoubtedly, some are.

The church, of course, is the bastion of the family, and so it should be. It's a towering defence against something that is so important and yet is being constantly eroded in a society that seems to value personal happiness over sacrifice; the generation that cries, 'I deserve to be happy!' and turns a blind eye to the suffering of rejected spouses, and the misery of the children left behind - children who often grow up with issues of unresolved anger and skewed ideas of relationships that blight their own future.

But what of those who aren't part of the traditional 'family' and yet are part of the church? Do we find them crying into their hankies during 'family services'? Hopefully not! And yet the emphasis on family within the church, and, sometimes, the attitude of other church members, can conspire to make them feel like unfortunates who've missed the right turning somewhere along the line - 'poor things'.

One Christmas Eve, I was surprised to receive a phone call from a lady I didn't know well, asking me to dinner. Then she explained: 'I'm asking all the singles round for a special meal, Sheila.' But those she mentioned weren't 'all the singles'. With growing horror, I realised that they were the handful of people in the church I'd always felt sorry for, the 'sad cases', the 'misfits' that the pastor invited to his house every Christmas. This year he was away and the kind-hearted lady didn't want the poor souls to miss out. Unmarried and over thirty, I was on the 'sad list'! She was being Christ-like and I'm sure many benefited from her care. I politely turned her down. Pride? Maybe! But the fact is, there are many reasons someone might be single, and not all need tea and sympathy.

Of course, some people find themselves unexpectedly, heartbreakingly alone through broken relationships, or the tragic death of a partner, but there are others who haven't yet met Mr or Ms Right and have taken the wise advice: 'It's better never to be married than to be married to the wrong person.' They might have tussles with God about his timing, but try to trust his perfect will for their life. And then there are the third group. The ones who are called to be single, who know God wants them to forego marriage for the kingdom's sake. Should we pity them? No!

Frankly, we're not all called to be part of a marriage relationship and we shouldn't beat ourselves up about it - or allow others to do it for us. Matthew 19:12 says, 'Marriage isn't for everyone. Some, from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked - or accepted. And some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons.' (The Message) One of the great benefits of being single is that many find themselves living very close to God, and of course, their interests are not divided (See 1 Corinthians 7:32-34).

The apostle Paul was single, and thought it good: 'sometimes I wish everyone were single like me - a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others.' (1 Corinthians 5:8, The Message) Ah yes, the celibacy thing. Of course, there's no 'playing around' for the Christian outside of a marriage relationship. I didn't say the single life was easy! But living the celibate lifestyle, especially among non-Christian friends, can be quite a witness.

However, apart from people trying to marry singles off to increasingly unlikely candidates, or buying them a cat and a life-time subscription to Weird Bachelor or Knitting for Spinsters ,   there are obvious drawbacks to the unmarried state: you do lack the emotional support and physical comfort that should be part of a good marriage, and being single means making all the decisions, paying all the bills, handling domestic crises alone and in my case, single-handedly hammering the shed roof back on when there's been a high wind. That's why single Christians often have to bite their tongue when their married friends say, 'You have all that free time to devote to the church!'

It's also true that you can feel like 'the spare part' at some social events. But this can be sorted out by making it a priority to have good, close friends. Many singles have a real gift for friendship. They can invest time and energy and be emotionally available to friends in a way that's often difficult for married couples. Friends are vital to the single life, to pray with, to share life with.

So, if we've committed our lives to God and find ourselves on our own, we certainly shouldn't feel that we've somehow 'missed the mark'. God is in control! Jesus was single, and no one thought he was 'sad'. OK, we all have 'alone' moments, but you can be 'alone' in a relationship. If you're single and happy, that's just great; my bet is that you have fantastic friends of all ages, and a close walk with God. And that's the main thing: after all, ultimately, our fulfilment is in God, not in another person.

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