Rwanda ...Rising to the challenge of forgiveness

by sylvie white, senior media officer of tearfund

Lesley Bilinda's husband was murdered in the 1994 Rwanda genocide, during which almost a million Rwandans were slaughtered by their own people. Ten years on, Lesley returned to Rwanda to find out who was responsible for his death and to offer them forgiveness. She told Sylvie White from Tearfund of her wrestle with forgiveness and the challenge it is for the Rwandan people who are still struggling to rebuild their nation.

When Lesley decided to return to Rwanda ten years after her husband Charles was murdered, she wondered if it was a decision she would regret for the rest of her life. Charles had fled to the town of Butare in the south of the country when the genocide broke out, but in April 1994 he was taken from the Butare Diocese compound where he was hiding - he was never seen again.

Speaking to Edward Stourton on Radio 4's Today programme just days before she left, she admitted it would be hardest thing she had ever done. But as a Christian she felt compelled to meet her husband's killers face to face and offer them forgiveness in person.

"I've been really struggling over the last ten years as I come to terms with the fact that Charles was murdered," she told Stourton. "I've gone through a whole range of emotions, everything from hurt and pain to bitterness and resentment, and I've tried as far as I'm able to at this stage to forgive whoever killed Charles.

"But it's a hard thing to do from a distance, when I don't know whom I'm forgiving or what I'm forgiving them for. It's one thing for me to sit here and talk about forgiveness when I'm thousands of miles away and I haven't met the person, but it will be quite another when I meet them face-to-face. However, I know this is something I must do, even though I recognise how much of a challenge it will be."

Despite her reservations and fears, Lesley was keen to return to the country that was so close to her heart and see the friends and family who were so special to her. She spent five years in Rwanda from 1989 to 1994, working with Christian relief and development agency Tearfund, running a community health project in the town of Gahini in west Rwanda. It was while she was there that she met and married Charles Bilinda, an English teacher at the local secondary school.

She made many good friends during her time there, in particular John and Jemima who adopted her as their daughter - so much so that they actually hosted her wedding and received the gift of a cow in exchange for her!

Her early days in Rwanda were happy, peaceful times, but the wedding celebrations in December 1992 could not obscure a growing sense of menace, as the number of sporadic attacks began to increase across the country.

When the genocide broke out in 1994, Lesley was out of the country visiting Kenya with her sister Sue. It was just a few days into their holiday when the Rwandan President's plane was shot down, unleashing a three-month frenzy of killing, rape and pillaging. In just 100 days, 800,000 Tutsis and moderate Hutus were brutally murdered. Charles was one of them.

Lesley lost other friends and members of her adopted Rwandan family too, but compared to most people in Rwanda, she felt she got off very lightly. "Some people I've met are the only surviving member of an extended family of 40, 50 or even 100 people." she says, "And not only are they having to pick up the pieces of such terrible loss, but they're also having to cope with the sense of betrayal by those close to them - people with whom they had worked and socialised, and even worshipped at church.

"Moreover, they are having to cope with the fact that this tangled web of lies and deceit is so difficult to penetrate, that it's virtually impossible to get to the truth of what happened. Many, many people - myself included - don't know exactly what happened to their loved ones or where they are buried. And with so many in prison denying any crimes, and even denying that genocide ever happened, it makes for a very, very difficult situation."

So how can anyone even begin to contemplate forgiveness in a context like this?

Lesley believes that it's precisely in a situation like this where forgiveness has profound meaning. Forgiveness is not something you do when you're feeling nice. She believes that to forgive when you've been very badly wronged, is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. And that's why forgiveness is a choice - you can't be told to do it, it must come from deep within.

If you wait until you feel like forgiving, you never will. When someone has done or said something against you, you don't feel good about it. It hurts. It makes you angry and upset. Our natural reaction is revenge and bitterness. To choose not to go down that path is the hardest option.

Forgiveness is a choice, but it's also a process. Sometimes memories are triggered, feelings of pain and anger come back. But it doesn't mean we didn't forgive the first time. It just means the forgiveness needs to continue - perhaps on a different level or dealing with a different aspect.

People often ask 'are forgiveness and reconciliation the same thing?' As I see it, if I have been wronged, I have it in my grasp to offer forgiveness, but I have no influence over the response of the one who has wronged me. They may choose to accept my offer, apologise or repent for the wrongs they have committed, and we could be reconciled. Or they may choose to reject my offer and reconciliation is then not possible.

When she returned to the small landlocked country to join in the 10-year anniversary commemoration ceremonies in April, Lesley came face to face with how challenging forgiveness and reconciliation is. Although outwardly there has been significant change in Rwanda, underneath the surface, there is still hatred, bitterness, fear and mistrust of others.

Travelling with a television crew who were filming her story for a documentary which will be aired later this year, Lesley visited prisons and interviewed murderers - some were remorseful but others were in complete denial that the murders had ever taken place. As she felt the agonising frustration of someone withholding the truth from her, it made her appreciate all the more how incredibly painful it is for those for whom this is a daily reality.

"Many people don't feel justice has been done, which makes it incredibly painful for those who are forced to live side by side with people they suspect have murdered their friends and family," says Lesley.

But Lesley met one person, Nicholas Hitimana whose example stands out as a symbol of hope for the future of the nation. Nicholas, a young Hutu man, spent several years in Edinburgh with his Tutsi wife Elsie, while studying for his Phd. He was supported through the Charles Bilinda Memorial Trust , a charity Lesley set up in Charles' memory to help Rwandans come to terms with their experience and provide education opportunities to those in need.

Nicholas and Elsie are now back in Rwanda, where they are particularly involved in setting up small co-operatives for widows and orphans. They grow geranium and eucalyptus for distilling into essential oils.

On a visit to the project, Lesley spoke to genocide widows who previously were so despairing and discouraged that they could neither work nor sleep. Now through the project they have become Christians and found the support, friendship and courage they need to carry on.

A bullet hole betrays Emanuel's past. He is a genocide survivor. Emanuel played dead under piles of butchered bodies in a massacre at Murambi College, where 50,000 people were killed in four days. His wife and children were amongst those slaughtered by their own people. Emanuel was one of only four survivors of the massacre and he now works at the genocide museum that has been set up to remember those killed in the terrible atrocity. He was unable to identify his wife or children as all the bodies were so badly mutilated but, "In this way I am able to be near my family every day," he says.

"One widow, Agnes, told me how she used to be very angry woman." says Lesley, "She used to be a primary school teacher, but her husband and children were killed in the genocide and afterwards she couldn't face teaching the Hutu children so she just gave up. She couldn't sleep, her anger was so intense."

But after being put in contact with Nicholas' organisation and experiencing God's forgiveness in her own life, Agnes is now a completely different woman. She works with other widows to encourage forgiveness and reconciliation and offer practical support. She even describes Nicholas as 'being like Jesus, because he left the glories of Scotland to come back and live amongst us, giving us hope to live again.'

These women knew what it was to live with grief, bitterness and anger destroying their lives, but they made the choice to forgive and now their lives speak of peace. To Lesley this is the power of forgiveness - the power to transform and change people's lives forever.

Lesley also sees this as the challenge of forgiveness - that we have a choice to hold on to our anger, or to stretch out a hand in an offer of forgiveness, though it may be the hardest thing we have ever done. It can at times be a long, slow process - which can barely be contemplated unless we have first known in our own lives what it means to be forgiven - by God, through his Son, Jesus. But it's in the offering of forgiveness - whether it is well received or not - that releases us from our bitterness and brings peace.

Tragically, Rwanda has become known throughout the world as a place of horrific atrocities and murder. Given what has happened there, it's all the more incredible that there are those who stand against the cycle of violence and betrayal, in their courage to forgive and work for peace.

"The least we can do is to stand with them to encourage and support them, and seek to learn from their example in our own lives," concludes Lesley.

The outcome of Lesley Bilinda's quest to find her husband's killers is the subject of a forthcoming documentary, which will be aired later this year. To read more from Purple Flame Media, the film-makers, click here.

Lesley's story is told in her book The Colour of Darkness published by Hodder & Stoughton.

The Charles Bilinda Memorial Trust (CBMT) was named after Charles Bilinda, a Rwandan pastor and teacher who was killed during the genocide in April 1994. The fund was set up by his wife, Scottish midwife Lesley Bilinda in response to the great need following the Rwandan genocide. It offers grants to help with further education of Rwandans, contributing to the educational needs, travel and living expenses of the students it supports. To find out about Tearfund's work in Rwanda or how to support the Charles Bilinda Fund or Tearfund's work overseas, call 0845 355 8355 or go to www.tearfund.org

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