DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

from the abuser's perspective

by Lorraine Wylie

For some it's a misguided sense of loyalty. Others try desperately to keep up appearances, and many have nowhere to go. But the majority of domestic abuse victims simply learn to accept violence as part and parcel of daily life. Reasons for staying are as varied as the individuals concerned. But there's another question that's just as difficult to answer: why do men as well as women resort to violence in the first place?

Gordon had been happily married for six years. He had never raised his voice let alone his hand to wife Carol. But fourteen years ago, he hit his first wife so hard she ended up in hospital. Six weeks later she packed her bags, moved out and started divorce proceedings. When asked what made him resort to violence, this is what he said...

'Looking back, there were many factors. Although, the last thing I want to do is to try to justify my behaviour. I know it was wrong and impossible to excuse. But, therapy has shown me that in order to change, it's important to try to understand some of the reasons behind our actions. My dad died when I was ten. It was a devastating time for me as we'd always been close. He had never raised his hand to my mum or any of us for that matter; he was a quietly spoken, Christian man. When I was thirteen my mum re-married and our home-life changed dramatically. Her new husband was a strict disciplinarian; at least, that was his title for it. He was a pillar of the community, well known and respected in the local church.

'On Sundays we'd be taken to every service, and afterwards we were only allowed to read religious material. No television, radio, comics or anything frivolous. In fact, our house was a very sombre place. The first time he hit me was as much a shock as it was painful. He'd been delayed after morning service and I'd slipped out for a quick game of footie. Of course I got caught. He took me to my room, locked the door and thrashed me so hard I had the marks for weeks. A belt and buckle is pretty sore! After that, beatings were handed out on a daily basis. He didn't want us to be spoiled for want of sparing the rod!   My sister and brothers came in for the same kind of punishment. My mum grew quiet and subdued. I realise now that she was afraid of him.'

The physical beatings continued becoming progressively worse until Gordon's wanted only to escape. By the time he was nineteen he'd realised his dream. He found a job and an apartment in another town, packed his case and left the family home. Occasionally he visited his mum, but although the beatings had stopped, he found his stepfather's sarcasm hard to bear. Church also became a place he avoided. Instead of love and forgiveness, it spoke of rigidity, intolerance and worst of all, pain.

At twenty-two Gordon had married. In the beginning things went well. At last he had found a source of comfort and tenderness. He was blissfully happy. But, when he lost his job and pressure began to mount, Gordon found himself fighting for self-control. He goes on...

'It was becoming increasingly difficult to cope. We had no money and were in danger of losing our home. My wife, as terrified as myself, had nobody to confide in. I was her only source of relief. She would unload her worries, depression and fear on me. Being alone together was a nightmare. I started going for long walks just to avoid her tears and recriminations. One evening, we began arguing. It went on for hours with no solution in sight. Of course I now understand that she was desperately afraid of the future, but I just wanted her to stop.

'It did, when I hit her a hard slap on her cheek. She was shocked and speechless. She didn't speak to me for days and I felt terrible. I couldn't do enough to get her forgiveness. I promised it would never happen again and I fully intended it wouldn't. But, the next argument ended the same way. It just became easier to short circuit the whole thing. My anger was intoxicating. I suppose I was drunk on rage. The poor woman could do nothing right. Everything inflamed and fed my fury. Eventually, as with all these situations, it went too far and she got hurt. I am totally ashamed to say that I hit her hard, fracturing her cheekbone and putting her in hospital. I was sickened by what I'd done and I knew I was out of control. My worst fear was coming true. I was turning into my step father and I needed help.'

Ironically it was Gordon who took his wife to hospital and then drove immediately to the police station. With the help of a relationship therapist, he went to his GP who arranged for him to see a psychologist. He tried to salvage his marriage but the trust was destroyed and his wife decided to instigate divorce proceedings. He continued with therapy, learning to control his emotions especially his anger.

'It took a long time for the rage inside me to subside. It was a dam, waiting to burst. The therapy helped a lot by enabling me to recognise and understand the problem. But it couldn't give me what I needed most. I was ashamed and guilty, I needed peace and forgiveness. I wrote to my ex wife and told her I was sorry. I didn't expect a reply, let alone forgiveness. I did find what I was searching for though.   When I became a Christian seven years ago I found everything I needed to start my life again. It was like stepping out of darkness and misery into a world of sunshine and hope. When I joined the choir and met Carol, I knew I had been given another go at happiness. There is no way I'd mess it up!'

When asked what advice he would have for anyone in an abusive relationship Gordon said, 'Leave immediately. Don't wait until the violence gets too much. There is no room in a relationship for any kind of abuse. The world outside has enough to offer, marriage should be a sanctuary of safety. Like many violent partners, I too promised to change. Like them, I meant it. But we can't, we need professional help. I think one of the causes of abuse is an emotional sickness.   The violent partner has to face his own demons but the home is not the place for confrontation. A psychiatric unit is much better equipped.'

Footnote

Gordon's stepfather died last year and his mum is now living with him and Carol. In order to spare any family embarrassment, all names have been changed