Normal family life can be wonderfully rewarding - and challenging. But try taking two families of teenagers and fusing them into one. To a huge measure of love, add dollop of patience and sprinkle with understanding. The result should be an instantaneous, perfectly blended family! At least that's the theory. But, as most step-parents find, second families don't blend so easily. No matter how perfect the recipe, differences in personalities, opinions and experience always produce a lumpy, uneven mixture.

Even families who share the same genes have very different characteristics, although, the biological bond normally absorbs and accepts most individual quirks or idiosyncrasies. This helps cement as well as stabilise relationships, protecting the unit as a whole. In step families however, that bond is missing. What birth relatives affectionately tolerate, can, for the step family, be a major source of irritation.

When Janice and Bill Webb married for the second time, there was no indication that their teenage kids were unhappy with the situation.

Janice explains...

'I was divorced and Bill's wife had died five years previously. He had a fourteen-year-old daughter and I had a sixteen-year-old son. We'd both been on our own and never expected to marry again, but when we met, it seemed we'd been given a second chance for happiness. We took things slowly and waited until we were certain of our feelings before introducing each other to the kids. My son seemed delighted that I'd met someone. Bill's daughter loved to come on outings and we got on really well. That is until after the wedding!! We moved into Bill's house which seemed sensible at the time as he had no mortgage and it was bigger than mine.'

Bill continues...

'That was our first mistake! We really should have bought somewhere neutral. My daughter soon found she couldn't cope with the situation of having someone in her mum's home. Although, being a teenager she couldn't verbalise her problem. She just began to stay out all night, drinking and generally treating Janice as public enemy number one!'

Janice goes on...

'I tried to devote more time to Kelly but she wasn't interested. She wanted me out of her life. I felt so sorry for her as she'd been through a traumatic time losing her mum. I wanted to love her, make things better for her but I couldn't reach her. My son decided he didn't want to live with us as it wasn't such a good atmosphere and he said I'd no time for him anymore. I just couldn't win. He moved out and suddenly I began to wonder if Bill and I had made a mistake.'

"According to the Step Families Foundation, many couples end up questioning their own relationship. With three out of four second marriages ending in divorce, many conclude that it was a mistake. Yet, the first step toward successfully integrating a family is to protect and nurture the bond between the couple. It's essential to develop a sense of 'we' so that both parents can be united in all aspects of family life. For Janice and Bill, the lack of unity acted as a wedge between them, it also gave their children a little more leverage to drive them further apart."

Janice explains...

'By the time our first anniversary arrived, Bill had agreed to take his daughter on a camping trip. I went out to dinner, with my sister! It was a miserable anniversary. I was depressed, felt guilty and angry. In fact, looking back, I spent most of that year swaying between anger and guilt! Angry at Bill, his daughter and my son, then guilty for feeling that way.'

Bill felt the same...

'I was angry with Kelly, but I felt guilty at adding to her problems. To be honest, I even began to regret marrying Janice. Her son visited at weekends and everything about me irritated him. I always felt a sense of humiliation when he was there, I don't know how a sixteen-year-old lad could intimidate a fifty something man! To this day I have a complex about nose hair and foot odour!' In the end, Janice and Bill decided that maybe a fresh start would be better for the family. They bought a new house, Janice invited Kelly to choose the décor and they moved in to live happily ever after. But within a few weeks, Janice was once again suffering a bout of the 'I'm not your kid!' syndrome. A condition many step parents experience.

Janice...

'It began with a school parents evening. Perhaps it was a mistake but I was trying to show an interest in Kelly's work. The evening turned out a disaster with Kelly being bad tempered and hostile. She snapped at every comment and reduced me to tears. Bill tried to comfort me but that infuriated her more. I realised I was really starting to dislike her and that was a danger sign. She was a child and I couldn't handle her, I felt such a failure. That night I packed my bags and left. I'd had enough.'

Bill let her go.

'I loved Janice but in a way it was a relief. I was constantly in the middle, but failed no matter what I did.' Janice's departure didn't restore happiness to either home. Kelly continued to stay out and refused to listen to her dad. In the end she asked to go into foster care and after months of soul searching, Bill agreed.

Bill...

'It was one of the worst days of my life when Kelly moved out. I had lost her mum to illness and I felt as though I'd lost my daughter through neglect. Kelly was precious to both my wife and me; I felt in some way I'd betrayed them both.' Janice settled into her rented flat, and life continued more or less as before. She missed Bill dreadfully but didn't want to cause him any more problems; he and his family had suffered enough. Yet, after a few months the couple decided to seek help for their family. They contacted the Step Families Foundation as well as a few online Christian Support groups.

Bill continues.

'Hearing other people's experiences made me realise that I wasn't alone. It also taught me that the 'guilt' button is a firm favourite with kids, especially teenagers! The problems I'd had with Janice's son was a sort of male ritual thing. He wanted to make sure that Janice recognised him as top dog, hence the name-calling and continual put-downs. Instead of realising what was going on I, like a big kid played into the trap!

'On the other hand, Kelly had a real problem. But it wasn't really with Janice; it was her frustrated anger with the unfairness of life. It had taken her mother. She'd loved Janice in the beginning because she saw her as a friend but when Janice moved in, she became a threat. We almost lost our entire family through lack of understanding.

'To anybody contemplating a second marriage that involves kids, I'd say take it really, really slowly. Give them time, especially to build up a relationship with the new parent. It won't happen over night but it will happen. Organise things to do with the stepchild and new parent. But never forget, you're an 'intruder' so don't take part in any discipline. Never discuss the situation if front of the child, remember there's things they can't reason about. They aren't being obstinate; they just haven't developed the tools."

Today, Bill and Janice are back together and Kelly chooses to stay with them at weekends and holidays. She and Janice have started an aerobics class together and go shopping every Saturday. Janice's son visits every few days and Bill's nose hair has become a family joke and his feet are responding to medical attention! The family is not a close, bonded unit but then how many are? Instead, it has its share of sarcasm, rows, and laughs. In fact, it seems like any other; a normal, healthy dysfunctional family.

Janice adds...

'I can't emphasise enough, look after each other. Kids will learn that as a couple you're not going anywhere. You will love them, listen to them, and care for them, but at the end of the day, you're union is complete. They'll eventually accept the situation.'

Remember, children/teenagers don't have the comfort of experience to guide them. As adults we have learned that change, although painful, can yield new opportunities. For kids, reality will never be the same again. Whether their circumstances have been changed by death or divorce, they have to learn new coping mechanisms. The remaining parent is their only anchor in an uncertain world. Just when they begin to feel safe, along comes another change. This time it's an intruder that not only alters routine but affects their anchor as well! Little wonder they view the new stepparent with ogre like dimensions.

With time, the newness will have worn off the step parent and he or she will no longer be seem like 'change' Love, patience and understanding are the chief ingredients for a successful 'blended' family. But, they lose their flavour and effectiveness if not wrapped in prayer!

There's a number of support groups that are easily accessible through the Internet. Start with www.stepfamily.org

Do you have a comment? Or would you like to submit an article? Visit my Blog